Exhausted, But Life is Good

I’ve been here for 7 ½ months. It was around the last month or so that I started feeling settled- like I belong here, like I’ve lived here for awhile, and I could imagine living here for the foreseeable future. 

I’m exhausted. Work is keeping me on my toes- with the stress of finishing Haggadot (a creative children's version of the Passover story) with my 3-year-olds and making sure we run our activities on schedule. I’ve been up late nights preparing for work and taking notes for school- a Child Curriculum class that will eventually lead me towards getting my certificate in Early Childhood Education. Grocery shopping, laundry, paying bills- it all has to be done. My social life is minimal- for some reason there seems to be more to do nowadays, and therefore Skype sessions and phone calls with friends have been put on hold. I yearn for Shabbos, when I can relax, sleep, and detox from the week. Most important, I get to disconnect from technology- connect to myself, connect to G-d. 

Although a few months ago I was enthusiastic about starting an intentional community here- that would allow people to connect more through communal contribution of song, food, or help with Shabbat setup- that enthusiasm has faded. My focus has been on other things. I’ve since stepped down from the Netivot board- the LGBTQ organization I’ve been involved with. My heart wasn’t into it, I told them. There was also a level of disorganization that made me feel like I didn’t want to be a part of the board. I’m dating, but not much. I haven’t really set aside time for myself- to meditate, to reflect, to breathe. Usually by the time I get to bed I’m so tired, either I read a chapter of a book or just simply crash.

As I start to think about next year, I’m grateful for a life that provides me stability- I anticipate remaining in my apartment with (at least one of) the same roommates. I feel good about my work at Alef Bet- aside from some minor instances where the work became an overload or I had some negative encounters with my co-worker- and look forward to continuing my job there next year. I’ve even been asked to remain at the Sunday school where I teach about once a month.

I’m tired, but I feel good. And I’m so grateful.