I believe
truly in the idea that, while Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are a time to cleanse
ourselves from our sins, Passover is also a chance to rid ourselves of anything
remaining we don’t want in our lives. Moreover, the process allows us to think
about this on a material level, when we dedicate weeks and weeks to cleaning
our house, ridding every crevice from the bits of crumbs that had gathered over
the last year. What is it that I want to rid of this year, and how do I make
this real?
I’ve been
met with a number of challenges over the last few months- everything from the
seemingly endless process of breaking into a community I identify with and
building real connections, having needed to deal with a bed bug infestation
last month, and being disregarded and diminished at work. My personal Nile
River I had to cross was filled with strong waves that pushed me down and made
it hard to get back up.
But a
community named Asiyah helped part those waves- a community that encourages
spiritual reflection, that doesn’t include all of the traditional prayers but ones
that help identify with very real experiences, that just gives off a vibe of “realness.”
The Israeli dancing that I recently joined and meets at MIT on Wednesday nights
helped push me across the fighting seas, where a combination of learning dance
moves, getting together with random partners, and occasional mingling with the
20’s and 30’s crowd- and older folks as well- helped take my mind off my
personal challenges. An occasional “Thursday Night
Tisch” at a friend’s house lifts my spirits, and approximate bi-monthly “Niggun
Saloon” allows me to feel and be without needing to talk, and without being
judged.
What do I
want to rid of this Passover? Of being made to feel that my ideas don’t count- I’m
currently job searching for a farm-related role, which I believe will help me
feel happy and fulfilled once again. Of the horrible feeling I experienced when
forced to move out of my apartment due to the bed bug infestation- of feeling
unstable during and after this incident, that ultimately led to my recognizing
my need for a real change in my life. Of the superficiality and small talk that arises at Shabbat meals. (I've recently stopped hosting, trying to find other ways to make Shabbat, or my life meaningful. Sometimes that means keeping Shabbat, and other times it doesn't.)
I’m so
grateful for these communities that I have found. I hope I can continue to peel
the layers of bread- of superficiality- to find the matzot that show their true
selves among the waves of loneliness I had experienced these last months. And I
think I’m going in the right direction.
