Crossing My Own Personal Nile

I believe truly in the idea that, while Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are a time to cleanse ourselves from our sins, Passover is also a chance to rid ourselves of anything remaining we don’t want in our lives. Moreover, the process allows us to think about this on a material level, when we dedicate weeks and weeks to cleaning our house, ridding every crevice from the bits of crumbs that had gathered over the last year. What is it that I want to rid of this year, and how do I make this real?

I’ve been met with a number of challenges over the last few months- everything from the seemingly endless process of breaking into a community I identify with and building real connections, having needed to deal with a bed bug infestation last month, and being disregarded and diminished at work. My personal Nile River I had to cross was filled with strong waves that pushed me down and made it hard to get back up.

But a community named Asiyah helped part those waves- a community that encourages spiritual reflection, that doesn’t include all of the traditional prayers but ones that help identify with very real experiences, that just gives off a vibe of “realness.” The Israeli dancing that I recently joined and meets at MIT on Wednesday nights helped push me across the fighting seas, where a combination of learning dance moves, getting together with random partners, and occasional mingling with the 20’s and 30’s crowd- and older folks as well- helped take my mind off my personal challenges. An occasional “Thursday Night Tisch” at a friend’s house lifts my spirits, and approximate bi-monthly “Niggun Saloon” allows me to feel and be without needing to talk, and without being judged.

What do I want to rid of this Passover? Of being made to feel that my ideas don’t count- I’m currently job searching for a farm-related role, which I believe will help me feel happy and fulfilled once again. Of the horrible feeling I experienced when forced to move out of my apartment due to the bed bug infestation- of feeling unstable during and after this incident, that ultimately led to my recognizing my need for a real change in my life. Of the superficiality and small talk that arises at Shabbat meals. (I've recently stopped hosting, trying to find other ways to make Shabbat, or my life meaningful. Sometimes that means keeping Shabbat, and other times it doesn't.)

I’m so grateful for these communities that I have found. I hope I can continue to peel the layers of bread- of superficiality- to find the matzot that show their true selves among the waves of loneliness I had experienced these last months. And I think I’m going in the right direction.